Jokes, Puns And A Lot Of Fun!

We're going to try and do the same thing with family friendly jokes and puns. We'll keep adding to our list until we can claim joke "World Dominance!"

Here we go:

Q: Why don’t skeletons fight each other? A: They don’t have the guts.

Q: Why did the math book look sad? A: It had too many problems.

Q: Why did the bicycle fall over? A: It was two-tired.

Q: Why was the computer cold? A: It left its Windows open.

Q: Why did the cookie go to the doctor? A: It felt crummy.

Q: Why did the coffee file a police report? A: It got mugged.

Q: Why was the belt arrested? A: For holding up a pair of pants.

Q: Why did the tomato turn red? A: It saw the salad dressing.

Q: Why did the picture go to jail? A: It was framed.

Q: Why did the fish blush? A: It saw the ocean’s bottom.

Q: Why did the smartphone need glasses? A: It lost all its contacts.

Q: Why did the broom show up late? A: It swept in at the last minute.

Q: Why did the calendar get popular? A: It had a lot of dates.

Q: Why was the stadium so cool? A: It was filled with fans.

Q: Why did the clock get shy? A: It had a second hand.

Q: Why did the musician bring a ladder? A: To reach the high notes.

Q: Why don’t eggs tell jokes? A: They’d crack each other up.

Q: Why did the barber win the race? A: He knew all the shortcuts.

Q: Why did the chicken join a band? A: It had drumsticks.

Q: Why did the football team go to the bank? A: To get their quarterback.

Q: Why can’t you trust atoms? A: They make up everything.

Q: Why did Grandpa bring a ladder to the bar? A: He heard the drinks were on the house.

Q: Why did Grandpa sit on the newspaper? A: He wanted to stay on top of the news.

Q: What did Grandpa say when his soup was too hot? A: “Well, that’s a stew-pid mistake.”

Q: Why did Grandpa take a ruler to bed? A: He wanted to see how long he slept.

Q: What did Grandpa call a lazy kangaroo? A: A pouch potato.

Q: Why did Grandpa put his money in the blender? A: He wanted liquid assets.

Q: What did Grandpa say when Rusty asked for gas money? A: “You’re fueling my disappointment!”

Q: Why did Grandpa start gardening? A: He wanted to get to the root of things.

Q: What did Grandpa say to his recliner? A: “You complete me.”

Q: Why did Grandpa bring string to the grocery store? A: To tie up loose ends.

Q: What did Grandpa do when he saw a sign that said “Watch for children”? A: He said, “That sounds like a fair trade.”

Q: Why did Grandpa install a door knocker on his fridge? A: He wanted to knock out cold calls.

Q: What did Grandpa call his broken vacuum? A: Dust in peace.

Q: Why did Grandpa sit in the shade? A: Because he didn’t want to be a hot shot.

Q: What did Grandpa say when he lost his pencil? A: “Point taken.”

Q: Why did Grandpa take his fishing rod to the bank? A: He wanted to catch some interest.

Q: What did Grandpa say when the TV remote disappeared? A: “This is out of my control!”

Q: Why did Grandpa open a bakery? A: He kneaded the dough.

Q: What did Grandpa say after fixing the lawn mower? A: “Cutting-edge technology!”

Q: Why did Grandpa wear two jackets? A: In case he got a little chilly-chilly.

Q: What did Grandpa say when the computer froze? A: “Looks like it caught a byte of cold.”

Q: Why did Grandpa whistle at his coffee mug? A: It was brew-tiful.

Q: What did Grandpa say when Rusty asked for advice? A: “Son, I’ve got experience — it’s just slightly expired.”

Q: Why did Grandpa buy an extra pair of socks? A: In case he got a hole-in-one.

Q: What did Grandpa call his GPS? A: His nag-igation system.

Q: Why did Grandpa refuse to play cards in the jungle? A: Too many cheetahs.

Q: What did Grandpa say after tripping on the rug? A: “Guess I was swept off my feet.”

Q: Why did Grandpa bring a flashlight to dinner? A: He wanted to have a light meal.

Q: What did Grandpa call his belt made of clocks? A: A waist of time.

Q: Why did Grandpa always carry a pencil? A: For drawing conclusions.

Q: What did Grandpa say when the remote batteries died? A: “Guess the power’s in my hands now.”

Q: Why did Grandpa start talking to his tools? A: He liked to keep things level.

Q: What did Grandpa say when the lightbulb burned out? A: “That’s a dim situation.”

Q: Why did Grandpa love puns? A: They kept him in good re-pun-tation.

Q: What did Grandpa call his broken clock? A: Second-hand embarrassment.

Q: Why did Grandpa keep his watch in the freezer? A: He wanted cool timing.

Q: What did Grandpa say when his sandwich fell apart? A: “Lettuce pray.”

Q: Why did Grandpa carry a hammer in the garden? A: He was planting nails instead of snails.

Q: What did Grandpa call a tired bicycle? A: Two-tired.

Q: Why did Grandpa sit by the window all day? A: He liked outlooks.

Q: What did Grandpa say after mowing the lawn? A: “Grass-tastic work, if I do say so myself.”

Q: Why did Grandpa take up art? A: He wanted to draw attention.

Q: What did Grandpa call his favorite blanket? A: His cover story.

Q: Why did Grandpa tell jokes while cooking? A: To keep things well-seasoned.

Q: What did Grandpa say when the toaster broke? A: “I’m feeling burned.”

Q: Why did Grandpa take a nap during the movie? A: He was acting his age.

Q: What did Grandpa say when he stubbed his toe? A: “That’s un-toe-lerable!”

Q: Why did Grandpa start using a smartphone? A: He wanted to stay app-to-date.

Q: What did Grandpa call his noisy shoes? A: Loafers on the move.

Q: Why did Grandpa bring his umbrella to the barbecue? A: He heard the steaks were high.

Q: What did Grandpa say when the grandkids beat him at cards? A: “Beginner’s un-luck!”

Q: Why did the scarecrow win an award? A: Because he was outstanding in his field.

Q: Why don’t eggs tell secrets? A: They might crack up.

Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth? A: A gummy bear.

Q: Why did the bicycle fall over? A: It was two-tired.

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman and a dog? A: Frostbite.

Q: Why did the cookie go to the doctor? A: It felt crumby.

Q: What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? A: Nacho cheese.

Q: Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon? A: Because she’ll let it go.

Q: What kind of tree fits in your hand? A: A palm tree.

Q: What did the ocean say to the beach? A: Nothing — it just waved.

Q: Why are fish bad at basketball? A: They’re afraid of the net.

Q: What do you call fake spaghetti? A: An impasta.

Q: What’s a pirate’s favorite letter? A: “Arrr!” (But they really love the sea.)

Q: What type of music do mummies listen to? A: Wrap.

Q: Why did the math book look sad? A: Too many problems.

Q: What do you call a sleeping bull? A: A bulldozer.

Q: Why did the tomato blush? A: It saw the salad dressing.

Q: What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A: A can’t opener.

Q: Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? A: In case he got a hole in one.

Q: What did one plate say to the other? A: Dinner’s on me.

Q: Why are ghosts bad liars? A: You can see right through them.

Q: How does a penguin build its house? A: Igloos it together.

Q: What did the left eye say to the right eye? A: “Between us… something smells.”

Q: Why did the banana go to the party? A: Because it was a-peeling.

Q: Why don’t oysters donate to charity? A: They’re shellfish.

Q: What gets wetter the more it dries? A: A towel.

Q: Why did the computer go to the doctor? A: It had a virus.

Q: What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A: A carrot.

Q: Why don’t skeletons fight each other? A: They don’t have the guts.

Q: What lights up a soccer field? A: A soccer match.

Q: What do you call a pony with a cough? A: A little hoarse.

Q: Why are elevator jokes so good? A: They work on many levels.

Q: Why was the broom late? A: It swept in.

Q: What did the triangle say to the circle? A: “You’re pointless.”

Q: Why did the student eat his homework? A: The teacher said it was a piece of cake.

Q: What kind of key opens a banana? A: A mon-key.

Q: What washes up on tiny beaches? A: Micro-waves.

Q: Why did the music teacher need a ladder? A: To reach the high notes.

Q: What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A: A thesaurus.

Q: Why was the calendar popular? A: It had a lot of dates.

Q: How do you organize a space party? A: You planet.

Q: Why did the grape stop in the road? A: It ran out of juice.

Q: Why did the man run around his bed? A: He was trying to catch up on sleep.

Q: Why did the picture go to jail? A: It was framed.

Q: Why don’t crabs give good gifts? A: They’re pretty shellfish.

Q: Why did the musician get kicked out of the bakery? A: He kept trying to beat the dough.

Q: What do you call a pig that knows karate? A: A pork chop.

Q: Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill? A: It ran out of juice.

Q: What do you call a flock of birds that play instruments? A: A tweet band.

Parallel lines have so much in common; it’s a shame they’ll never meet.

I was going to tell a time-travel joke, but you didn’t like it.

The moon asked me to leave it alone—said it needed some space.

I told my computer I needed a break; it said, “Give me a second.”

I put my root beer in a square glass—now it’s just beer.

I tried to write a chemistry joke—but all the good ones Argon.

My Wi-Fi and I are on the same wavelength—when it’s not dropping hints.

I asked my GPS for dating advice—it said “Recalculating.”

My Bluetooth and my speaker finally paired—connection at first sight.

I told the baseball it was out; it said, “That’s a foul attitude.”

Why did the soccer ball quit the team? It was tired of being kicked around.

I started a boxing club for clocks—people said it was about time.

Our basketball team got a bakery sponsor—so many turnovers.

The golf course hired a meteorologist—too many fore-casts.

The marathon went by in a blur—must’ve been fast food.

I auditioned for a choir—they said my notes were outstanding, mostly because they were

outside.

Why did the painter take a nap? He needed to brush up on things.

I asked the librarian about a book on illusions—she said it’s checked out but may appear any minute.

The orchestra got new seats—now the whole section is well-composed.

I tried to learn guitar with fishing line—too much treble at the reel.

I opened a restaurant on the moon—great food, no atmosphere.

I told the tortilla a joke—corny, but it really wrapped up nicely.

My coffee joined the debate team—now it makes strong arguments.

I asked the bakery for an apology roll—they said they kneaded time.

Air used to be free at the gas station—now they really pump up the pressure.

I tried carpool karaoke—our timing never auto-tuned.

My recliner has a sixth sense—it always knows when I’m about to nap.

I told the grandkids a construction joke—I’m still working on it.

I promised to stop lawn puns—let’s just leaf it at that.

Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Then they’d be bagels.

The beekeeper’s new playlist is all the buzz.

I tried to adopt a penguin—turns out my fridge isn’t zoned for it.

My dog sat on my phone—now I’ve got paw-casts.

The cat started a vlog—purely for the mews.

I asked AI to tell a joke—it said it already did three prompts ago.

My password is “Beethoven”—lots of characters and a strong key signature.

I put files in a folder called “Important”—now nothing can find them.

The printer and I aren’t speaking—it made some very toner-deaf comments.

When my phone gets low, it becomes very cell-fish.

I’m friends with synonyms—we’re tight, close, and very near.

I tried to make a palindrome—did level okay.

I entered a pun contest—ten entries; no pun in ten did.

I used to think the brain was the most important organ—then I realized who told me that.

The past, present, and future walked into a bar—it was tense.

I put a sweater on my pumpkin—call it gourd-robe.

Winter asked me for directions—I told it to chill.

I spring-cleaned the yard—now the weeds are on a clean getaway.

I installed a skylight—now my ceiling’s on cloud nine.

I told the smoke alarm to relax—it just needed a little space to vent.

I’m reading a book on anti-gravity — it’s impossible to put down.

I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.

I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went… then it dawned on me.

I don’t trust stairs — they’re always up to something.

I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.

The shovel was a groundbreaking invention.

The bicycle couldn’t stand on its own — it was two-tired.

I asked the librarian if the library had books on paranoia. She whispered, “They’re right behind you.”

I’m friends with all the electric workers — we have good current connections.

I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.

When the clock factory caught fire, all the workers tock-ed out.

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger… then it hit me.

I gave all my dead batteries away — free of charge.

The math teacher’s tree kept growing — it had square roots.

I accidentally swallowed some food coloring — I feel fine, but I’ve dyed a little inside.

I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey… but I turned myself around.

My friend said he didn’t understand cloning. I told him, “That makes two of us.”

I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang — then it came back to me.

The scarecrow won an award because he was outstanding in his field.

The restaurant on the moon had great food — no atmosphere though.

I told my suitcase we’re not going on vacation. Now it’s dealing with emotional baggage.

I don’t trust atoms — they make up everything.

I once worked at a calendar factory, but I got fired for taking a day off.

The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out.

I tried to catch fog yesterday… I mist.

The man who survived pepper spray and mustard gas is now a seasoned veteran.

I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.

I gave my computer a snack — it had too many cookies.

I bought a belt made of clocks — it was a waist of time.

My dog ate my dictionary — now his bark has no meaning.

I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift… but I couldn’t find the manual labor.

I used to be a baker’s assistant — it wasn’t half-baked, just kneaded.

I told my roofer friend he needed a raise — he said the whole job was over his head.

The chiropractor’s office motto: “We’ve got your back.”

I ordered a chicken and an egg online… I’ll let you know which comes first.

The electrician quit — he couldn’t conduct himself properly.

I wrote a song about a tortilla — actually, it’s more of a wrap.

I ate a clock once — it was very time-consuming.

My friend’s bakery burned down — now his business is toast.

The grape got stepped on — but it didn’t wine.

I got a job at the orange juice plant, but I couldn’t concentrate.

The plumber’s favorite dessert? Pipe-apple pie.

My friend keeps saying “cheer up, it could be worse.” So I cheered up, and sure enough… it got worse.

I don’t trust elevators — they always let you down.

The tortilla and the sandwich had a fight — it was a wrap battle.

The cornfield’s favorite music? Pop.

The furniture store keeps calling — I think I’m being tabled.

I told a chemistry joke… but I got no reaction.

I finally bought a boat — it was a pier pressure decision.

END OF JOKES & PUNS UPLOAD #2